every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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