My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
