i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
