shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
