Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
