so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Two words: blizzard sex
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
