remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
