I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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