sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
