I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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