Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
