So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
