Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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