I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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