I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
