I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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