You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
