Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
