Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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