I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
