I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
