I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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