when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
