Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
