Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
