I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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