i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What a dumb baby whore.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
