hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
