Sry I called you an 8
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
