i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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