you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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