I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
