I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
