It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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