He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
