I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
