Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
