you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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