just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
