he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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