Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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