the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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