the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Drunk is not a location!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
