What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
