it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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