on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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