Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
