im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
