i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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