He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
