Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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