Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
