I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
